for a long time i didnt think much of my poor hygiene-
i didnt think anything of it actually.
i was sixteen when i learned that it was a direct result of the sexual abuse i endured as a child.
although, by that time
i had started to maintain it much more than i ever had as a child.
still-
only enough to keep people from noticing.
afterall,
i was maturing into a woman.
boys had started to notice me,
i didnt want to be the focus, the poster child at school of poor hygiene.
so
i showered regularly,
i learned to shave my legs,
i wore deoderant.
i had even started doing my hair and a small touch of daily makeup.
things that up until teenagehood i had struggled severely with
like simply brushing my hair.
or changing my clothes.
honestly,
if my parents wouldnt have paid for sealants on my teeth as a child I probably wouldnt have any real ones today.
i never brushed my teeth.
and i couldnt tell you why, it was just so damn hard.
showering mightve been my only hygienic practice as a child.
but even then,
i never washed my body, only my hair.
i remember the day my mom found out i wasnt washing properly,
i realized what a freak i really was.
of course, at that time, my trauma was mostly blocked by my subconscious.
i knew i didnt like to be touched.
i knew i wanted to look like a boy.
older men didnt want to touch little boys,
right?
wrong.
i was dead wrong,
i learned a little while later just how wrong i really was.
that it doesnt matter if youre a boy or if youre a girl.
that children will always be prey.
but thats a different story for a different day.
now
im in my mid-twenties.
and if you looked me up and down, you would never know that I once struggled so excessively with everyday hygiene.
now im in my mid-twenties
and im in charge of someone elses hygiene.
a tiny someone.
and it was my fear for a long time that i might fail her with poor hygeine.
but if im being honest,
i think were doing pretty good so far.
sometimes little victories mean so much.
-anonymous
suicidesvnonymous 